


"To suffer woes which Hope thinks infinite"

by QueenIX



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 07:08:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8965162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenIX/pseuds/QueenIX
Summary: After the difficult events of "Covenant," Kira and Odo are both having trouble finding rest.





	

  
“NO!”

Kira’s own scream woke her. She sat up abruptly, heart pounding, limbs trembling, her skin coated with a layer of cold sweat. Adrenaline pumped through her body and sharpened her senses to panicked alertness. Even as her muscles tensed with readiness, with the need to fight, to flee, she remembered her surroundings. Where she was. She was in bed, in her own bedroom, safe on Deep Space Nine. She was fine, there was no danger. It was just another bad dream.

 _Prophets, Nerys,_ she chided herself. The residual fear of her dream was still coiling her stomach in knots, disturbing images still running through her head. She ran her shaking fingers through the sweaty mess of her hair and willed herself to calm. To breathe.

_That might have been the worst dream your messed-up mind has ever concocted._

There was no going back to sleep, not now, not after what she’d just dreamed about. Kira didn’t even try. She tossed back the covers and rolled out of bed. She was especially careful not to tip Odo’s bucket as she put her feet on the floor. She whispered the command for lights at one quarter and the computer lit a dim path across her bedroom. She stood, again mindful of her sleeping lover and tried to be as quiet as possible. Why she worried about stealth and darkness, though, she had no idea. It wasn’t as if Odo could hear her when he regenerated. Waking him by humanoid means was impossible. The only way to wake a sleeping Changeling was with a directly applied electrostatic charge. Only three people on the station other than Odo himself knew how to do this properly and at what voltage—namely, Kira, Sisko, and Dr. Bashir. It was a closely guarded secret because if done improperly, waking a Changeling that way was as likely to fry it as it was to end its regeneration cycle.

Kira looked down at Odo’s bucket, at the peaceful, still, amber pool of his natural state as he slumbered, and actually considered finding the equipment she needed to wake him. She could really use Odo's company at the moment. However, waking him would just be cruel. She turned away from Odo, found her robe, shrugged into it, and headed into the main living area of her quarters.

Kira continued her path across the darkened living area, again calling for some low light, and made her way to the replicator. She ordered a cup of _deka_ tea. The tea materialized, and Kira picked it up and walked it to the sofa. She set the tea mug on a side table, sat down, and curled her feet underneath her. The dream sweat drying on her skin made the cool of her quarters even colder. She plucked her favorite woven wool throw blanket from the back of the sofa, spread it over her lap, and tucked it snugly around her feet. She picked up her tea again and blew over the steaming top of the mug, letting her frazzled mind go blank as she waited for the tea to cool.

When the tea was cool enough to drink, Kira took a sip of the bittersweet brew and suppressed a small smile. Julian would yell at her for drinking tea at the witching hour. Insomniacs should avoid stimulants entirely, he would say, and Kira knew that. Kira also knew through years of experience of dealing with long, lonely nights like this one that a cup of tea wouldn’t change a damned thing. Kira was often prone to bouts of insomnia, and after what happened to her on Empok Nor, she hadn’t been able to sleep all week. By this point, she was so exhausted, she’d actually considered finally admitting to her insomnia problem and asking Julian for a standing medication order. However, there was nothing medically wrong with her, and Kira had never been overly fond of drugs. If she was having trouble sleeping and she was having bad dreams, there was a reason, and Kira knew it was important to listen to her body and mind when they were trying to tell her something. Drugging the problem away was effective, and for some people, quite necessary, but not always the best solution for Kira Nerys.

So, Kira kept her insomnia problem to herself, and when it struck, followed her usual sleepless-night routine. Tea, sofa, favorite blanket. Some light reading filled the time until station dawn, or sometimes, she sat quietly and thought over the details of her dreams. Dream interpretation was an important part of Bajoran spirituality, and besides, Kira liked to confront her dream enemies like her real ones—head-on, and without hesitation.

Only tonight, after the dream she'd just had, she wasn't feeling so bold. Her dream enemy was one from her waking life. She had dreamed of Dukat. It wasn’t the first time, either. Skrain Dukat had plagued Kira’s dreams for almost half her life. She had to wonder what gnarled thread of fate had so knotted the two of them together and kept Dukat in her life, and what epic pair of scissors it was finally going to take to sever that thread. Every time Kira thought she’d finally rid herself of that butcher, he reappeared to wreak more havoc. Kira wasn’t the only member of the station’s command that had been stalked by Dukat—what he’d done to Sisko was especially bad—but Dukat’s purpose with Kira was always so _personal_. At least, it was to him. Now that Kira had the full story about her mother, she understood Dukat’s obsession with her more than ever, but that knowledge only increased her unease. Because of his affair with Kira’s mother, Dukat saw his connection to Kira as familial, and in his Cardassian mind, that would suggest a natural right to possession. An incestuous right, certainly, but still his right. Kira couldn’t wait for her day of reckoning when she could finally prove to Dukat that was absolutely not the case. Kira Nerys belonged to herself, and no one else.

Her recent abduction and entrapment on the abandoned Empok Nor had been the most harrowing, devious, and dangerous plot Dukat had come up with so far. Kira had barely escaped this time, and it was sheer chance that she had. Dukat had also, yet again, managed to escape, and as usual, no one could figure out where he’d escaped to. Whatever transporter tech he’d stolen from the Dominion was beyond the Federation’s ability to track, although Worf had certainly tried. Worf was still trying. If there was anyone on the station who wanted Dukat dead more than Kira did, it was Worf. However, Kira didn’t hold much hope about the chances of his success. Knowing that Dukat was still slithering around the cosmos somewhere sure as hell wasn’t doing anything for Kira’s peace of mind. It was no wonder her dreams were so bad.

Kira closed her eyes and allowed the details of tonight’s dream come back to her. In her dream, she relived that surreal moment on Empok Nor when she had woke in a strange place, in a strange bed, and found Dukat standing over her, breathing over her, his greedy gaze traveling over her semi-conscious form. In her dream, though, Dukat had gone farther than just looking. Her mind played the cruel trick of extending the covetous intent in Dukat’s eyes to action. In her dream, Dukat attacked her. His body pressed hers down, his breath hot and foul across her face, his fingers tight around her throat. She had struggled, screamed, fought, but it was useless. Dukat was too strong. He forced her thighs apart, forced himself inside her body, and Kira could still feel that tearing, burning invasion. Her helplessness, her humiliation. Kira’s dream mind used her own memories from the Occupation against her, fused them with what really happened on Empok Nor, and the disgust she felt as Dukat violated her, as he—

_Stop, stop, stop it, Nerys. It wasn’t real. It was just a dream._

No, in reality, Dukat had never gone that far. Not yet. Kira’s dreaming mind was trying to make her look at the thing her waking self knew, had always known, but wouldn’t acknowledge. It was only a matter of time before Dukat’s delusions about their non-relationship turned truly violent and he lost control completely. Before he stopped taking Kira’s rejection of him at face value and took what he wanted from her by force. Dukat had always been crazy, but now he was a religious fanatic, too. Dukat's new messiah complex and his conviction that Kira was meant to ascend with him made him more dangerous than ever.

Even worse, recent events had cast doubt on the one thing Kira used to keep all this terror at bay—her home. Her abduction proved that not even Deep Space Nine was safe for her now. Dukat could get to her any time he pleased and thanks to the Dominion, had access to technology that would make it almost impossible for anyone to find her if he did. And there was nothing Kira or anyone else could do to stop him.

Angry tears— frustrated, bitter tears—stung Kira’s eyes. A choking sob escaped her as they fell. Dukat, that creeping, slinking, psychotic, frightfully cunning bastard had actually made her feel vulnerable. Vulnerable! And Kira _hated_ feeling vulnerable.

“Nerys?”

Kira sucked in a surprised gasp. She turned around abruptly. Odo was standing behind her, in his sleep clothes. No uniform. Absolutely nothing threatening about that.

“Odo,” she said, relief flooding her. “Prophets, you just scared ten years off my life. For a second there, I thought you were—I thought you were someone else.”

“I’m sorry, love,” Odo replied. “I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

Odo quickly rounded the sofa and sat down next to her. Kira watched dumbly as he plucked the tea mug—forgotten now—from her hands and set it down. He turned back to her, gathered her in his arms. She curled her fear-tensed body against his, rested her head on his shoulder, and shivered with relief. Odo’s body was so _warm._ So real. Kira’s gratitude for Odo’s presence and his affection completely outweighed her curiosity at how he got to be there. He shouldn’t be awake, he should still be regenerating, but she was perfectly content to rest quietly with him, no questions asked. Well, for a few seconds, anyway.

“Odo, why aren’t you regenerating?”

“I woke up and found you gone,” Odo replied. “Again. This is the third time this week you’ve left your bed. This time, I thought it best to come find you.”

“What do you mean, ‘woke up?’ Kira said. “And what do you mean ‘again?’ How often has this happened?”

“It’s been going on for several weeks now,” Odo replied. “I’ve been waking mid-regeneration, without explanation. Usually, I just go back into the cycle and ignore it, but tonight, I heard you crying and decided I’d better get up. I know you need your privacy, Nerys, but after recent events, knowing you’re not where you’re supposed to be has become especially… _concerning_ to me. After all, last time I couldn’t find you, you were lightyears across the sector and the captive of a religious cult.”

“That’s not normal, though, you waking up so soon...Is it?”

“I’ve no idea,” Odo replied. “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.”

“It’s _not_ nothing,” Kira replied. She sat up to glare at him. “You can’t just dismiss this, Odo. There could be something wrong with you.”

“I admit the thought has crossed my mind,” Odo said. “However, the only people I could consult about Changeling regeneration cycles are the Founders. I doubt they’d be willing to answer any inquiries I might make on the subject.”

“What about Dr. Mora or Dr. Bashir? Would they be able to tell you anything?”

Odo shrugged. “I don’t know, Nerys,” he said. “They’ve not been much help in the past. My regeneration cycle has shortened over the years. I have more control over it than I used to, which seems a natural occurrence, but this…is different. It feels different.”

“Different how?”

Odo heaved a heavy sigh and pressed his lips to her brow. He was stalling, Kira knew, reluctant to answer her. But he did it anyway.

“It feels _un_ natural,” he began. “Like there’s something preventing my matrix from fully letting go so it can rest. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it was a foreign body, something very small, like a virus or bacterium. But as you know, I shed any particulates out of my matrix nightly. Nothing we know of can penetrate Changeling cell membranes, so whatever’s wrong with me can’t be anything serious. For all I know, this is a perfectly normal occurrence for a Changeling.”

“But you don’t know that, do you?” Kira said. “You can’t be sure of that. You need to go see Julian.”

Kira tried to keep her fear and worry from showing in her expression. She wasn’t doing a very good job of it, though. Odo’s gaze turned knowing as it met hers and he caressed her cheek.

“Nerys,” he said, “don’t worry. I don’t want you to worry about me, I’m fine. You, however, are not fine. How we ended up talking about me when you're the one crying alone in the dark, I don’t know. What happened? Why are you awake?”

“Oh, no,” Kira replied. “Uh-uh. You don’t get to change the subject yet.”

“Yes, Nerys, I do,” Odo said. “There’s nothing more about me to discuss as I just told you all I know, and nothing you can do to help me, anyway. You should be asleep as much as I should. Maybe if you tell me why you’re not, we can at least do something for you.” He tucked a strand of her auburn hair behind her ear and then cupped her face in his hands. “What’s wrong, love? Tell me. Why can’t you sleep?”

So much for privacy. Kira didn’t like talking about herself—especially her past—any more than Odo did. They both knew this about the other, and a fine mess they often made of their relationship as a result. However, once he finally pried the truth out of her, talking with Odo about her problems was a much easier task for Kira than it was with anyone else. How Odo got to be so good at getting Kira to confess when no one else could was still a mystery to her. All it took was the right prompting look from those sky blue eyes, and Kira was instantly ready to pour her heart out. And this night was no different. Kira started telling him her story, her bottled-up feelings coming out along with it.

“I've been dreaming about him, Odo,” she began, her voice low. “About Dukat, and Empok Nor...”

“…And?”

“In my dream, he…he hurt me.”

“Dukat hurt you in real life, Nerys. He had you abducted, imprisoned, tried to convert you to dark worship, and attempted to poison an entire cult of his followers as you watched. Nothing you went through on Empok Nor is easy to process. It would be abnormal if you didn’t have dreams about it.”

“No, Odo, I know that. I get it. But my dream tonight was different.”

“Different how?”

The word was there, the word to name the evil deed, the Bajoran symbol for it burning its ugly image in her mind’s eye and demanding to be spoken. Still, she didn’t want to say it. The word for what Dukat had done to her in her dream. The word for what had been done to her in Elanval. She’d never told anyone what happened to her in that Cardassian prison because saying it aloud made it true, made it real, and even though her dream was just a dream, even with the comfort of Odo’s presence keeping those ugly memories at bay, she still struggled to make herself say the actual word. To name it and give it power.

But she had to say it. She had to. She knew that now.

“In my dream, he…Dukat raped me.”

Odo’s whole being tensed, Kira felt it, but his hold on her was still gentle. So was his voice, when he found it again.

“Nerys, did he? Is that what happened?”

“No!” Kira replied hastily. “He never touched me, not like that. Although he sure as hell was thinking about it. That's what started all of this."

“But you have been raped in the past.”

It wasn’t a question. He knew. Even though Kira had never said, Odo still knew.

“How did you know that?” she asked.

“Nerys, I’m a criminal investigator. I’m also your long-time friend and your lover. You’ve never been obvious about it, not to an untrained eye, but there are…signs…in your behaviors.”

“Like what?” she asked. But before he spoke, another old memory floated back to her, answering her own question.

_Not for money, not for food..._

“Your absolute calm on the _Defiant,_ for one,” Odo replied. “When we were in the mess hall talking about Vedek Fala, you were entirely too reasonable for someone who just watched her childhood mentor die in her arms, on top of the rest of what happened. Your ability to handle trauma, Nerys, is too practiced, meaning you’ve seen too much of it. From you, calm detachment is a more troubling sign than emotional overreaction is. Your behavior worried me, I had questions, but I didn’t want to press.”

“And you still haven’t," Kira said. "You’ve had plenty of opportunity. We’ve been back on the station for over a week.”

“I read your report about Empok Nor, so I had the facts. I knew you’d tell me the rest of it, when you were ready.”

“Odo, I’m still not sure I’m ready," Kira said. "My dream really has nothing to do with Empok Nor. It has to do with something far older…With Elanval.”

“Elanval,” Odo said. “The Cardassian detention facility on Bajor?" He cursed under his breath. "You were in Elanval? Why didn't I know about this? That place was a house of horrors, Nerys, it was…That was where it happened, isn’t it? The rape.”

“Yes,” Kira replied. “As opposed to Elemspur, I really was detained in Elanval. After part of our cell was captured, that’s where they took us. We weren't there for long before Shakaar got us out, but it was long enough."

Kira shifted away from Odo then, untangling herself from his embrace. She couldn’t talk about Elanval with him so close, with him touching her, though that had nothing to do with him. It was her. Exposing Odo to the truth of what happened to her at Elanval felt like she was soiling him somehow, exposing him to some disease. It was a completely irrational thought, another of those ‘behaviors’ Odo labeled her with, but still, it was there.

Kira moved to the edge of the sofa to put even more space between her and Odo. She read the concern in his expression. The slight hurt. To his credit, though, he didn’t question her. He stayed silent, blue gaze filled with compassion as he waited for her to speak.

But how exactly did she speak about Elanval after so many years of _never_ speaking about it? How much of the truth had she blocked from her own mind in order to heal? How much of what she remembered was worth dragging up and inflicting on Odo? How much did she actually remember?

_More than you should ever have to remember, Nerys. Your dreams proved that._

“I don’t want to go into the details,” Kira said. “I’d prefer never to let any of that come to the light of day. It’s an old pain, Odo, one I thought I worked through a long time ago, and I’d rather not relive it. All you need to know is that I was raped, and it was as horrible as you think it was. The rape happened during the interrogation. It was a torture technique the Cardassians resorted to with some prisoners to break them, to demoralize them.”

“I’m aware,” Odo said. “Though it’s not a technique that was ever sanctioned by Cardassian Central Command.”

“Of course not,” Kira said. “Most of the things the soldiers did to us were unsanctioned, yet no one ever did anything to stop them. Why would they? The man who raped me wasn’t Cardassian, though. He was Bajoran.”

Odo sucked in a sharp breath. His glance turned dark and dangerous. “Who?” he demanded. “Who was it?”

“Doesn’t matter anymore, Odo,” Kira said. “He’s dead, long dead. The Provisional Government executed him after the exodus. He was a collaborator, a filthy traitor who worked with the enemy, and he got what he deserved. He was at Elanval as an investigative consultant, whatever the hell that was supposed to be. The gul in charge of my interrogation, after failing to get anything out of me the usual way, gave this man task of raping me rather than letting one of the guards do it. Gul Kesel said it might be more effective with such a ‘patriotic soul’ like me to have a taste of home…”

Kira shuddered, remembering Gul Kesel’s cool demeanor as he ordered her violation, remembered his chilling words.

_Go on, Rual, and teach this rebel bitch some humility. Show her what we will use her for if she won’t be useful in any other way and start answering our questions._

And in Rual’s eyes, as he’d approached her where she lay bound and helpless was the same vicious, predatory look she’d seen in Dukat’s expression. That same twisted sense of entitlement, of perverse anticipation. Dark Bajoran eyes staring into hers, black and hard, filled with such malice, such hate.

Kira’s own hatred woke within her, just as hard, just as black. “They tried to break me, Odo. They tried for _hours_....But they didn’t. They couldn’t. Even with what that… _pig_ did to me, I never told them what they wanted to know. Even if they decided to kill me—and they threatened to— I refused to give them the satisfaction.”

_But you came damned close, didn’t you? You almost let them win._

Kira closed her eyes and scrubbed her hands over her face. Yes, she came damned close. The only thing that kept her from giving up and spilling her guts just to make it all stop was the thought of gouging out Rual’s eyes and handing the bloody remains back to him. Right before she slit his throat. Of course, Kira never got that day of reckoning, either. She had to be satisfied with Rual’s execution.

And she was.

Kira dropped her hands and looked at Odo. He was still silent, his expression again one of patient compassion. Of sympathy. But not pity. If he’d pitied her, Kira didn’t think she’d ever be able to look Odo in the eye again. But his silence was starting to unnerve her.

“Odo, are you going to say anything?”

“Right now, I don’t know what to say,” he replied. “All I can say is that it’s better this man is already dead. Otherwise, I might be forced to arrest myself for his murder. Since I can't get you any justice, will you let me do the one thing I can do for you?”

“What’s that?”

“Will you let me hold you now?”

Kira huffed a bitter, humorless laugh. “Now that you know just how damaged my goods really are, Odo, are you sure you still wanna do that?”

“More than ever,” he said softly.

Kira melted. That was the only word for it. All of her pent-up fear, her anger, the darkness that crept into her heart as she remembered Elanval, the terror that shaped her dreams of Empok Nor was gone. Banished. How did he  _do_ that?

A tearful Kira moved back to her lover’s side. Odo opened his arms and pulled her into them, pulled her as close to him as he could. He lifted her legs and pulled her onto his lap. His hand was on her hip, his fingers were in her hair, his lips pressed to her brow, her temple, her mouth, and when he finally let her up for air, his heart was in his eyes. And so was hers.

Odo shifted his weight and hers to make them both a little more comfortable. Kira sighed and relaxed her body against his, let herself bask in the moment, soaking up every bit of his love that she could. She knew too well how rare such moments could be. 

“Odo, we can’t let them win,” she said. “We can’t let the Dominion or the Cardassians win this war. Everything I went through, everything I’ve lost, everything I fought against—the suffering, the tyranny, the Occupation, _Dukat_ —it can’t all be for nothing.”

“It’s not for nothing, Nerys. It never will be. As long as people like you can still fight, can still hope, they will never win.”

“I wish I was as sure of that as you are,” she said.

“The only thing I’m sure of, Nerys, is that I love you, and that as long as you have enemies to fight, my place will be at your side, fighting with you.”

Kira's heart was filled to the brim. Any words she had for Odo seemed clumsy, inadequate, so she didn't say them. Instead, she raised his hand to her lips and kissed the back of it.

They both stayed quiet for a time, each with their own thoughts, silently appreciating their togetherness. And as they sat quiet and contemplative, together and at peace, miracle of miracles, wonder of wonders, Kira heaved a huge, jaw-popping, eye-watering yawn.

Odo looked down at her and smiled. Kira smiled back.

“Bed?” he asked.

“Bed,” she agreed.

Odo secured Kira in his arms and rose. He carried her to her room and set her gently on her bed. He helped her out of her robe, hung it up, and then moved to the other side of the bed and crawled in with her. A twinge of guilt hit Kira then, of worry. If Odo planned on lying down with her in solid form, that meant he wasn’t planning on finishing his regeneration cycle. Because maybe he couldn’t.

Kira rolled over to face him. “Odo, will do something else for me?”

“Name it."

“Will you go see Julian tomorrow? Let him scan you or whatever he can do? Just to humor me?"

“As you wish,” he replied.

“Thank you, Odo,” she said. “If nothing else, it’ll set my mind at ease. Just the thought of something being wrong with you--"

Odo traced the ridges on Kira's nose and tapped the tip of it. “Kira Nerys, no more thoughts. No more thinking. Go to sleep.”

Kira grinned and closed her eyes. Odo called for lights out. The dark and Odo's nearness quickly sent Kira's body into shut-down, a sweet, swift drift into what promised to be a deep and dreamless sleep.

And it was.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Based on characters belonging to CBS/Paramount. The characters are theirs, this story is mine. The title quote is from Percy Bysshe Shelley, Prometheus Unbound.


End file.
